Patrick Dempsey looks like Sean Penn with down syndrome

Patrick Dempsey looks like a down syndrome kid on a vegan diet or like what Sean Penn would look like if his mom smoked the crack during her pregnancy. Seriously people, how the fuck do women and People magazine find him sexy? The guy looks like one of those mashups of celebrities that Conan and cheezy internet funny sites put together. He is fucking ugly.

Oh wait I think I answered my first question within the question. The reason the mindless sluts known as the average consumer American public female find him "hawt" is because People magazine keeps telling them he is. Oh to be an American.

With that I am off to watch My Super Sweet Sixteen and see girls I would love to anally rape with no lube.

The Tale of Crab Fingers and a Trip to Californication

So yesterday at work my boss brought in some of the biggest King Crab legs I have ever seen. The claws were large enough to chop me wee dick off (actually that's not much of a feat) and the legs were the width of Oprah's cankles. Needless to say I dove in head first. Got the hammer, bashed the shit out of the shells and ate them like a Sudanese kid with the flies and the stomach. However, it was then that I realized that the joke was on me. Suddenly I start to get this awful smell rising into my nose. I didn't eat a Calcutta whore's pussy in the middle of summer. What could this be? I sniff my upper lip and realize that the crab was still there. Then an itch hits my nose and I go to scratch it and BOOM the smell of my fingers hit my nose. They were 5 times as potent as my lip. How the fuck did that happen? I washed my hands 3 times. I washed my face 3 times. I then go out to the kitchen area to find a lemon in the fridge. See, my boss loves to put lemon in/on shit. Lots and lots of lemon. His ice tea has enough lemon to take the enamel off your teeth and cure scurvy (I dunno, does acidic shit cure scurvy? I think citrus does?). Sure enough I look in the fridge and there is a pitcher of iced tea with about 4 lemons in it, but no other lemon. I am now effectively stuck with this crab stench. I would be lying if I didn't say that it crossed my mind that my girl would think I was wrist deep in some dirty dirty girls pussy. Thankfully, it dawned on me that no pussy could smell that bad. There is no way she would get that idea.

So later that day I go to hang out Brian while he is babysitting some retarded kid (yes the kid is actually mentally disabled). I eat some McNasty Cheeseburgers and some fries (amazing how in the course of the day you go from the best food in the world to shit a bum would say no to). I figure "OK, I got enough grease, salt, mustard, and chemicals on my hand. So before I wash my hands I sniff them. "Fuck ya!" I exclaim as the smell is now more reminiscent of a fat kids hands. I go to wash off the fat little boy and slide my hand up to my nose awaiting another jubilant jump for glory. "Fuck!!!" I exclaim as the retarded kid looks up at me as if I'm the one not even busting 40 on the IQ scale. The crab is still on my hands. The disgusting fast food merely masked the smell of the crab. What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!?

Brian, being as inquisitive as a cat (are cats inquisitive??? I may have to work on my similes), inquires into the nature of my outbursts. I tell him the tale of the crab and he jokingly suggests that I go wrist deep in me lady's holiness and bury my nose deep in her temple therefore at least the fishlike smell will be one that is pleasant to my senses. I remind him that although I have a little bit of the Armo hump on my nose, I am not as nose endowed as I don't have a small fortune of gold in my nose making it elongate much like his well endowed Jewish girth (actually it is more like length). I then recall an incident from a few years in the past where I got attacked by the stank of the shellfish. I got with my girl at the time and as soon as I washed her off of me the smell of the shellfish was still there. There is no escaping the smell of the shellfish. It just has to ride it's course. Even the pack of cigarettes that I smoke in a day are no match for the claws of a crab or the tail of a lobster.

Now that it is a day later the smell has vanished and I am now able to pick my nose without wondering if I'll get mercury poisoning.

Californication

So as I had time to kill waiting for Brian to call to tell me when to go meet up with him to have our meeting with the retarded kid serving as secretary, I browsed through my On Demand listing looking for stuff to watch. I saw Californication there so I decided to give it a shot. Showtime has been on kind of a roll lately so I figured that it couldn't be that bad as it did as well get a second season. I so far have been able to see 4 episodes in the past day as I had to wait for my girl to show up last night and then this morning I couldn't fall back asleep as after the prospect of dropping me lady the alarm cock (thanks Mark) fell through due to various woman issues I couldn't get back to sleep. So what else is there to do other than watch 2nd rate television. Go to the gym? Ha! Trash TV wins!

Well, it isn't that bad. But then again it isn't exactly good. The show is insanely trashy. I mean really really trashy (in the first episode you see 4 or 5 5 different girls tits). It's like Nip Tuck (or at least the 2 episodes of Nip Tuck that I saw) except with tits and a lot less soapy melodrama. Now, I hate Nip Tuck. I swear any man that watches that show should really check his pants to make sure he didn't loose his testicles. The show is just plain old bad. They can't even make up for it with a ton of bare breasts. There is nothing redeeming to that show. I have heard people say that it has a lot of hot chicks on it, but seriously just pick up a Maxim and thumb through it the next time you are waiting at 7-11 to buy your Marlboro Menthol 100's.

What Californication does so far is stimulate me in the witty department. It is actually a rather funny show. It's no Office or Arrested, but it's pretty damn funny. The tits don't hurt, but again, if I want to see a hot chicks tits I'll either play with my girls or look at a Playboy. It's just a pretty funny show. There are some great lines in it and a couple funny scenarios. Sure there is a relationship that is ripped right out of the vastly superior Secretary and there are several attempts at hipness that just fall flat to anyone under the age of 45.

The only problem I see getting in the way of this show is if they decide to step up the melodrama that is already starting to slip through the cracks. I can see it coming. I really can. I mean shit I don't want this to turn into the bad version of Huff. I mean Huff was a great show that balanced comedy and heavy drama rather well. Until the second season when the show just got fucking dark. Really really fucking dark. No more was there any signs of comedy. The show just became so dark that it was depressing to watch. I stuck with it though cuz Huff was really fucking good. Californication isn't. It really really isn't. It is trash TV and needs to stay that way. Hide from the melodrama and just keep it funny and keep ripping on the shitty parts of LA. You do that and I'll stay watching. You don't and I don't care how many tits you can squeeze in an episode, I am gone.

As Rob pointed out, the show is about a prodigy of a writer. The problem is the writers of the show are by no means anywhere close to prodigies.

So, just keep away from the melodrama for the next 8 episodes and I'll be tuning in for season 2. Sometimes you need a quick 30 minutes of trash that makes you laugh.

My Favorites Part 1 - Comics

I guess I should talk about things that I love right now as opposed to things I hate. There will be plenty of negativity to come.

Strange that I started with Comics as opposed to film. Film is and always will be my favorite form of artistic expression. Sure you could go the Cocteau route and say that film isn't an art form ("Film will only be an art when it costs as much as a pencil and paper."), but I strongly disagree. Just look at this year, PT Anderson, Todd Haynes, Ang Lee, The Coen Brothers, etc. got final cut. I do however, find a little truth in what Cocteau had to say. I mean when you paint, you don't have anyone telling you what to do unless it is a work for hire. Ultimately it is your money if it is your canvas and paints. There are very few large scale films that the filmmaker could do as they want. Apocalypse Now being one of the most famous examples as Coppola basically financed the whole film himself. There are however, legions of indie films where the directors did as they wanted and those films sometimes do find an audience. Honestly, there is no right or wrong answer to this question (as there isn't for most things in life). This debate could easily be like a Freshman philosophy class, we can talk ourselves in circles.

Back to Demo.

Demo is by far the best thing I have ever seen in the comic medium. Mind you, I am new to the world of comics, but never have I seen something so pure. There isn't a frame of this series that isn't ripe with life. Basically, Demo is a series of 12 self contained stories about young people that sometimes have "abilities". The closest thing I can say that ties these stories together is the feeling of alienation that you find in most of these stories. It is a testament to how amazing Brian Wood's writing is and Becky Cloonan's art in that these 28 (or so) page stories can move you to almost tears. Sometimes they hit you in your gut harder than those football players back in High School used to... I guess they were feeling a little emasculated by the fact that they never won a game. Sure there are some stories that are better than others (Mixtape and the Stand Strong come to mind off the top of my head), but even the weaker ones are better than most shit you will ever read or watch. I really could ramble on and on about this fucking amazing book, but just go out and read it. I hear Vertigo will be re-releasing it in July, but do yourself a favor, go buy the indie publication of it now and then buy the Vertigo one later when it comes out. Sure it's like the comic version of a double dip, but fuck it, are you telling me you wouldn't replace your bare bones copy of Breathless with the new Criterion 2 Disc??? Plus it's cool to support amazing talent.

Wow... Is that 2 entries that are pretty devoid of humor or pathetic attempts at it??? No shit. I didn't know that was possible.

To Blog or Not To Blog...

... wow, based on that title I am already off to a shitty start. This whole blogging thing (I really hate that world) is purely for me. I am contemplating keeping it all private. All I want to do is get into the habit of writing everyday. I just want to have something that can be saved on somewhere that isn't my hard drive. I'm not looking for an audience and don't think I really want one. In fact, most of the postings are just gonna be something like "Just saw This is England. What an awesome movie." Yup exciting stuff. Groundbreaking some might say. Other times it might just be a long rant about something that pisses me off or blows my mind in amazement. Most likely it will mostly be about things that piss me off. Maybe by venting in here I can stop from offending every person I meet because I can't keep my opinions to myself.

Speaking of offending people, I will probably do a lot of that here. I despise the PC culture we have adopted in this country. I hate that people spend even a second of their day trying to recall what the latest proper term to use for someone is. Come on. Actions not words people. Shit, I am part Mexican (and have a dual citizenship with Mexico) and get pissed off that people dislike the word Hispanic because it has panic within it. Are you fucking kidding me? Are people just bored and decide to start policing our vocabularies in order to make up for some emptiness in their lives? The other thing is that I find humor in everything. I will make fun of everything and say things and crack wise about everything from myself to child molestation. It is too much fun watching people get their panties in a bunch when they get offended over some silly shit. Again, I judge people on their actions, not if they find this video of a retarded kid doing a public access TV show funny. Personally, I felt kind of bad that I was crying while watching it. Maybe I should clarify, I was laughing so hard that it incited my eyes to start gushing salty tears down my face and spot mark my glasses... yes, my eyes were transformed into a series of cocks that stained my face like your uncle's favorite Bukake (sp?) DVD. OK, I admit it, that joke was kind of forced and fell a little flat. So here is a nice little video.



HA!!!!!

Oh and the other thing. I am just writing as shit comes out of my head. I will not spell check or proofread or anything like that. What you see is how it came out. Like I said, this is for me, not you. So that's it for now... I'm sick of minimizing every time my boss walks in. To be continued... or not. Who knows?